this is going to be the first stream in a long long time which probably means it will be a long stream! that is a logical conclusion i suppose. and then it all turns into the question of whether or not we are making logical conclusions about the events in our lives and the people who bring those events upon us, (do people bring events? am i an event bringer?) these are the questions... and we continue in our travels to find a little white car and in the little white car are three little white girls! three little white girls in one little white car! can you imagine what they speak of? no. yes. probably but not right now. just kidding, no one can ever really tell what someone else is thinking unless they are completely honest and even if they are completely honest some "twang" (she hates that word, twang, and twang isn't even the right word) some twang in thought is lost in translation from thought to thing - thought to tongue to word to you to ear to brain to brain to brains! to brains! the reason we have not been devoured by the animals who are much stronger than we! oh human nature, oh the human condition i mean, really, we could have gone extinct but our instincts protected us and now we just incessantly tease nature and pretend that we are in control but we aren't. oh no, the mountains could eat us and the oceans could swallow us without any qualms - not a qualm in the world - yet we run. we can hide in the trees shadows and build big buildings and cities to cover our bare heads and even use sun umbrellas, sunbrellas! to block ourselves from direct contact with the world - but the wind does not discriminate. the air that travels from a desert in arizona and reaches three little white girls in a suburban backyard will not stop at the face of a certain someone or a big, black umbrella or even a fluffy puppy dog the wind is a force that affects everything, a breeze that touches travels stings soothes sweeps slips blows bellows moves - so, this means that math is magic.
there is something so liberating about telling the complete truth, in a careful fashion so as not to offend anyone of course, but the only way to get what you want is to make it clear that you want it! sometimes life can seem so simple, too simple and the most complicated aspect of the simple life is that there is not a distinct answer or reason as to WHY at one time it feels easy and at another, impossible. i dont even care if what comes out is a cliche because the point of this exercise is for cliches to come out and then cliche cliche natural cliche cliche mine. and that process is important as are many processes like the process of progress and the process of putting together outfits and fastening each buckle and strap on my ski boots and making a fruit smoothie taste different every time or filling up the gas tank - filling up the gas tank = taking a poop = the feeling that you can go anywhere.
friends are so intricate. and then there comes a time when friends are a science, a mild science (no a soft science, oh perhaps a soft science) but psychology and friends and games and reasons are all wrapped up in the big, fat elephant problem that all people have and that is the fear. the fear can be crippling or it can save lives and that is an opinion - and a regret is a fear that has not been confronted - to continue on this note the fear of saying what you mean or feel, the fear of not being able to say what you feel or think, the fear of being misunderstood, the fear of not being understood at all. i wish to tell everyone i care about what they mean in my life or act in a way that lets them know this YET it is not necessary to think so much! it is a liberating job, telling the whole truth and once you start it is much easier than you imagine... i sometimes find myself thinking too much and head space is only my best space when i am exercising or in the natural world. i will happily live alone if i think outside.
to take a song from another time and use it to travel there is a natural and powerful process - it is as if music albums are audio versions of photo albums and remembering the feeling from that first listen (or the most important listen) remembering the feeling of that first love (or the most important love) is remembering, and actually sensing, the feeling of that particular moment in your time... and a photo is less honest because it stopped time to take place... the heart beat does not stop, the drum beat does not stop, the song cant be destroyed, nor the words but the ART and the PAGES and the PHOTOS can all be destroyed - appreciating the temporary nature is necessary - maybe there are too many words in these sentences but sometimes too many is best because i can choose which ones i want to keep and which ones i want to ignore! how exciting! to sit in one spot for a couple of hours and type without stopping is always a fun thing to do but it always takes me time like until right about now when i get a steady flow going and i really do not let myself stop, i dont think this is a race but i do think it is a race to the heart of what i really want to speak about - then i lose it and i have to go on a special little tangent about the electric piano that is in this room hahaha i dont even know if it is called that oh no! it slipped my mind now i remember it is called a keyboard and the best is when my mom sits at the little stool and presses the automatic button and jams like she's the queen because you know what, if i had 2 children and an animal in my house i guess i could feel like a queen, anyway the piano is a cute little instrument there and to my right are three guitars, no four - one is my little lefty taylor - i dont know much but i do know that i want to know more, and that is a start. i wish i could really write the songs i want to hear but sometimes other people get so close, so spot on that i feel like it is their job, not mine - and before when i said "the best is when," well people of say, "the best is when this" followed by someone else saying "yea, and the best is also when this," and my funny friend said there can kind of only be one best and sometimes that is true but other times that is true for a moment, there can be a best of one time frame... there are so many best of's and the best of's are always honestly the best.
