: grey

some conversations we have do not matter.

and some that we think matter to us
do not matter to the other person
or vice versa

and even that fact doesn't matter!

all that matters is that we are matter
and we do not even know what the essence of that
matter is (maybe to ourselves but not) to each other,
so how can we actually
know what matters?

i
and
you
and a bottle of wine, perhaps
right now
and a future without worry.

we carry too much all the time in the front -
choose to wear a small, waterproof backpack instead
and keep moving.

: bugs and birds

we give our time away like
little trinkets, of soap, of sand
a bracelet and a bookshelf, a silly joke, a bicycle spoke -

often attached to pennies, lightly tossed
into the middle of that fountain, in the middle of that pond, in the middle of that park
in that city you hope to visit one day.

we laugh like it costs under a dollar
but still adds up
over time.

when you wait for it, it always takes longer
surprise! look how long your hair grew while we were dormant
yes, we had it, so much and so good.

sometimes the sun is just big enough for one thumb
sometimes maybe two
but never none.

: touch screen

fall happened this morning
and this afternoon inverted summer
with winter overnight
and spring at the break of dawn.
a seasonal schizophrenia, an atm - withdrawingweather,wouldyoulikeareceipt?
still, put on a pair of sneakers and puddle hop, lay on a bench face up to the
cloudscreened sky until your face stops flinching at the touch of a cold drop
invincible!
it must be! it is the! weather, so let's actually talk about it.

: on the house

big, heavy suitcases
lost on the ship deck
how, how could you lose something when you're on something in something far from anything else? impossible, someone is lying.
no photos, well maybe if you turn off the flash
tell everyone to please turn off the flash, it is unnecessary on a boat.
"wherever you go, there you are" and
isms of that nature. never say no to free food
or ten minutes in the sun, or both if the opportunity presents itself.
stranger company can be strange, but it is still company nonetheless.
that maltese puppy has rabies, watch out! and you only look cute in your pajamas.
lower your standards, stand up straight and turn to face a friend
a potential friend, a phantom friend, a whatever works best right now -
hail a cab and walk away, order to-go but stay a while
and tip big because
you may never be back.

: three years later

why did i start this blog? i had just finished a two-week intensive creative writing workshop at Kenyon College in Gambier, Ohio and i needed an outlet that led to nowhere in particular but could lead particularly anywhere. no need to make sense to everybody, perhaps just somebody. or maybe it would bring me closer to understanding parts of self, thought patterns, word patterns, subject patterns, no pattern. i never edit after posting, unless i see a glaringly obvious mistake in the format or my intended grammar... thus nothing is finished, nor will it ever be fully complete. writing in this blog is like a brain massage, or an obnoxious sigh after a refreshing drink, or the result of boredom, anger, confusion or illness. overall it's been fun. now what?



My steady spotlight and this city my stage - it didn't even hurt, ripping band-aids off at intermission starving for attention and making many mistakes - I didn't mind the mania, I found a friend in it, made friends with it, became a part, appendaged to it, into it, I felt free, it was free, my performance of flacid romance and absolute certainty of absolutely nothing - I held you there while I inverted the context - I made it okay to be sinful and selfish I made it the acceptable norm and you loved me - because everyone loved the world I had created from seams broken, mended with stitches of manic urgency, yet calm intensity, calm enough to cover us - to span the city whole - to incubate the infant summer, struggling to catch its breath beneath a lingering coolness, the last legs of when we were real - we were never real! This, my friends, is dreamland. Welcome back, it's good to have you.

----------- random journal bits

i still love john mayer more than any hipster band because of what the music makes me feel underneath my balloon heart, tear throat, well, well of emotion. whatever.

free speech is verbal free write is vocalizing a part of your self-pace is the weather is beyond the water is sand that magnetically clings to itself is a starry night sky and a pier and a boy. is quenching a beer thirst a heart burst a note a notice a boat an island a waterfall, not at all, coffee fuel and fire, desire, higher so tired sleep later, be here now. easy isn't hard, hard isn't easy state the obvious but most relevant - surf the waves of ambivalent declaration, guard your life with water tubes and life vests and long oars and just drown - regardless it can be like truth telling, like breathing underwater life extreme, peer into privacy can i trust you does it matter?

intermittent meditation, overflowing appreciation,
endless vituperation, sensitive cooperation,
free and honest conversation, immediate confrontation,
spiritual elevation, active imagination
creative penetration, uninhibited sensation
reactive insinuation, introverted contemplation,
verbal unification, emotional retaliation,
unnecessary compensation,
anticipated rejuvination.


chapters: pockets of life, new life - getting used to the difference.
adapt and abandon
adapt and adopt > make it new
----------------------- make it yours
-----------------------don't even make it.

: dalliance

as if song were a more profound speak
as if script were a more permanent sound
as if dance were a more expressive tell
as if love were a more elevated feel
as if life were long enough to stop thinking entirely
and just be entire.





(ungrammar.)