dreamland july 2008

get on the bus its only 50 cents but I let her keep the change --- change your clothes and your mind --- your mind about how you feel --— can I write anything different please — and I must continue moving forward 

lets delve into dream land, land land land land everything is land language land ghost land grassland — last night I had a dream about lipids and love - lost friends and toasters- lonely highways and northern valley - lets reflect - sammy weiss its SAMMYFEST your birthday like a national holiday here is your party lets have the campfriends over - spaghetti dave stars in my dreams lately, why I don't even enjoy your wavelength all too much you're a sweetheart somewhere - so ive known you for seven years but you don't seem familiar we shared memories and I forgot them all - and so we talk like strangers and I need to escape the uncomfortable situation just because I smell baked goods and I make my way into the party room it’s GUND but it’s not GUND you know how that works in dreamland and there are talbes of pastries and I choose wisely placing pasteles en mi plato and my mothers eyes are watching - I don't neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to eat this I don't neeeeeeeeeeed to touch that - you don't neeeeeeeeed to tell me but I secretly want you to because its what im thinking inside ---so I stuff a cream puff between my teeth and swallow it with pride YEAH I KNOW THAT'S IN MY THIGH but that's where it belongs for now — so I return with a platter of calories just to piss myself off and then I hear a voice in my head telling me ROMANCE IS THE ANSWER there ARE people who make you feel beautiful all the time and theyre the ones you want to marry? No, not marry, just BE around a little more than usual, to connect like legos snap snap ahh its creation, love ladders and sex towers and colorful columns of relationships- no I don't want a realationship that is what I tell myself constantly frolicking in a field of signles THAT'S MY CHOICE will I ever get married? I cant decide what to eat for breakfast I cant decide which notebook to write in first I cant decide black or brown I cant decide to make my bed or close my closet firrsttt but I CAN decide I want my choices- I am selfish, so selfish to share myself with everyone — how am I being selfish? I wont let you have all of me because I want to know him, him, her, and them NOT JUST YOU and not because you are you but because I AM ME— so those people exist and I think I found one here—I could be lying to myself but even so what does it matter? Julia said its WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER ANYONE and what I have to offer is my honesty my feelings a little part of my heart that I can afford to give away? Can I a f f o r d it is the question we don't think we can get what we cant afford, but I believe i will heal scabbing over and scarring still there as a reminder that I shared myself with you and you took it truly—so I want to connect with someone and dreamland is where its at — here I am with this boy,  nooo not with him,   I get a textual message that says it all — rikki you always go out of your  way to find the bad boys the ones who don't treat you right the ones who don't listen hard enough or dig deep enough or touch tenderly enough or talk softly enough or say what they really mean and you think theyre from Vermont or short hills or NEW YORK CITY but really I am here from Memphis Tennessee you've never even said those two words together but we should be—so I tell him to come- with a toaster- and this time he does- this time he shows up with what I ask and with what I didn't expect- an open heart and a still warm toaster and together we run in the rain and wash the burnt bread particles out of the crevasses and we press into each other locking eyes so close that our eyelashes slip into each other in the way bristles interlay filling the gaps that are meant for others, and our eyes open WIDE and our hearts open WIDE and our legs open WIDE and we are one single body with two separate heart beats that mirror each other in a melody that screams CONNECTION, it sounds like love, it feels like love, can this be love? If not, what is? and if so how can I make it last as long as forever? and then I remember the memories- the memories make me save myself- I can close my eyes and feel the press as our hip bones attract like the middle magnets in our bodies- our lips just barely touch and we give each other breath—out of me into you, out of you into me- one single being two separate minds one single moment two separate memories- it feels like honesty…

ripplefruit

calendar mornings

grapefruits waft into the bedroom

fresh scents and a clean pair of Hanes

no filters to strain sand castles

they just build themselves

the perfect dampness 

sturdy enough for lovers legs

to layover, loosely entangled in a labryinthe of extremities 

toss toss - then

a wave of panic returns to sender

point a finger at finding fault.

sandy bed sheets, salt water tears ripple down

tight cheeks, kissed by tight lipped goodbyes

so long, long legged boyfriends and bare feet-

it all ends when the beach freezes over and the castles fall.

(...

i am (cant stop) writing

a story (never ending) 

in this (unopened) moleskin journal

it's called (untitled) 

it's called something i haven't shared with myself yet

and when it comes out (on bluray and DVD)

, i mean is published

no name is going on the cover

but this one (mine)

pen name. pseudonym. something along the lines of

(read in between the lines and)

pressing matter in between the pages of print

i author

a novel

the author

no matter,

i sign every copy with (myself)

clicky pens from the doctors office

stolen, innocently, from front desk cups

(because those write the smoothest)

by me.

doggy eared, musty pages.

she doesn't like library books

because

too many other people have touched them before

and

she doesn't know for sure where they have been.

that mystery is my favorite part

i wonder who had you on october 12th

and renewed you continuously through december?

who doggy eared your page 23

and underlined the words "infinite" and "unforeseen"?

whose hazelnut decaffeinated coffee stained your rippled cover

where did you rest the longest, ignored, untouched, isolated

who cared for you the most, attentive, touching, turning, listening

what hungry puppy sank his teeth into your binding

-food for thought

what woman grasped you tightly on a moving train

-novel nourishment

what man tossed you into a bursting briefcase 

-professional prose

what child turned you, curiously examining

the pages, the letters, the words, the smells

the musty, doggy eared pages of shared language.

she doesn't like library books because     ?     she cant read.

oh d2 travel games

compact mirrors

and travel tic-tac-toe

in a small drawstring bag.

when i saw you, your neck bare 

between where your hairline ends and your shirt collar begins

i just wanted to trace x's and o's on your smooth skin

no etching, no printing.

just tracing, lightly -

we are playing an innocent game of deception

it is compact tic-tac-toe on the flesh of you

and a travel mirror for the flesh of me to see

when i worry about the flaws that they don't notice

unaware that they are the imperfections you adore.

obey him as you would me

it is always 

'wunderful' 

to get results.

fated coincidences are not really coincidences at all

they are just a combination of 

perfect timing & blessings in disguise

sometimes preventing accidents waiting to happen

or mistakes about to be made

or regrets ready to be regretted

thank god for small favors

popular quote of the moment:

"everything happens for a reason"

but to say

what is is what should be, and what should be will be

is a tad more playful,

a smidgeon more controversial, 

a bit more convoluted,

but thank you for making this choice clear as tomorrow's fresh winter morn.

bibliotologyeca

too easy to feel out of control

with this overabundance of 

the potential

to control - -

let human beings be teased with

the ability to make choices

but tempted by the mistake to make 

the wrong choices.

to obsess over what is out of our hands

is one thing

but

to obsess over our hands, our noses, our hair, our bodies

is another - single scar to bear for eternity 

unless 

we choose

to control or

we choose

to ignore  or

we choose

to be content, find pacification, feign confidence

to eventually feel fine, forgive fate and free ourselves, uncontrollably. 

skitherapy

nothing cures an ailment

like lands of winters wonders

just two hours to freedom of frost, flakes

frosted flakes, the sugary exception

or perhaps just

isolation in ice-olation

snowcapped sorrows

don't hurt so hard because the cold

numbs

the outer so the inner can 

heal the heart

and burn away the bruises to build

a better you.

success 2013!!!!!11111

superficial intelligence

facebook status education

social simulation

redefinition of 

success.

rejection is what?

error and opportunity

there is no error in opportunity

thank you,

university of pennsylvania

eat my shit when i'm famous.

for josh

matter

she says and/or he says, i think, you think, is defined 

as:

a particular kind of substance

something that occupies space

things put down in words

thing sent by mail

something of consequence

significance, importance

difficulty, trouble

ground, reason or cause

philosophy

is it a matter of life and death?

as a matter of fact,

does it really matter

what's the matter?

well, for that matter,

no matter what,

you matter.

'you are hard on your shoes'

hands

handwriting

handprints

foot

footsteps

footprints

can she

can i

can he

leave a trail of tears

can we

make a mark

that

lasts for

years&years&years

then

when 

the sky clears and the stars step on the earth and

soles of their shoes mark the souls of our moods

it's astrology, yes, but watch!

as they make what we make in -

printmaking    &    photography.

delete

i'm prepared to feel

one of two:

settled

vs.

hopeful

there are other 

battles

sleep vs. snooze

sweat vs. study

so,

i say ski or stay this saturday

for friday's news is not nearly

as important

as i am.

leather wedges

parallel structure
just feels good.
deja vu & dreams
slip into a slip
a freudian slip
freeze dance!
and then heavy thick blankets
whomp.