tenth at the ham

click in 

tune out

ride up

ski down

first run of the season

trails behind the last of last

and the snow sounds the same

its a sound that soothes - swish - 

i smile behind my coat collar

clench my poles and fly

wind in my hair, breeze in my face

skis under

clouds over

soaring through the empty space in between.

birthday

i like

parties

presents

people

pancakes

pot

pictures

paint

plaid

patterns

picnics

parades

pudding

plastic cups

plastic spoons

plastic utensils in general

pepper spray

pinatas

penguins

puff pastries

puff, the word

pink poodles

poodle skirts

pretzels

preppy grandmas 

poop, by lily, in front of the -

prada store on miracle mile

pimples on pretty people

poles... ski poles

precious metals

precious cargo

precious, the word

piddle

paddle

playgrounds!

play dates

pressure points

prisms

pillows and

puddles.

but not necessarily in that order.

Act X Scene Y

what would happen though

if we didn't act

what would i do? you do?

ok

we 

would 

walk around ridiculous, speak ridiculous, and live ridiculous

and it would feel

free

would it?

would it feel free?

or would it feel like we were acting

free?

no

no

because i have felt it before

and so have you

it's really free

honest

for a second.

the next you're like

OH I'M FREE

so then 

we think we are free

and then we lose

freedom

from thinking a word that defines us

yes

that's why it cant last longer than realizing it.

julia rikki

dear j, it's love.

i also realize that so much is happening all over the world while i am opening the fridge

and that's the reason why it hurts the most

and i just want to walk out the door

but i don't have anywhere to go

and although i like to think that i don't need a destination, i'm just used to believing i do-

i don't want to live here anymore

i am better than here

and so are you.

synotyms

there is a dictionary of words 

that can only refer to

almost anything.

(n.) blorn

I found a blorn in the back of your closet.

(v.) to quazzle

He quazzled whenever he had nothing else to do.

(adj.) juffled

She looked juffled almost all the time.

(adv.) tawkly

When silence plagued the party room, the tawkly, juffled boy screamed something fierce.

be the way it should

do i feel the same as i did before?

one birthday card away from old

and my ages are my siblings -

eleven took seven by the hand and through the halls,

downtown in the rain sun & snow

while seventeen couldn't even recognize fifteen

i never even answered "i'm fifteen." what an under-said, 

under-felt -

under the shadow of sixteen- age...

to put my years in a room with four walls

and stare objectively at who i was, because

i knew her when she was young, younger, youngest

and can i look at old photographs and believe that was me?

i was she

cards, candles and cakes ago 

cant let go.

hero zero hello zorro

i once

took out a piece of a bubble

without the rest of it popping

does that make me miraculous?

or

if i told you i could speak without words

or without a mouth even--

i just stare verbs and blink nouns and squint adjectives

would that make me super?

like

i could heal you

take your pain through my ears

attentive antibiotic that is to listen

could that make me holy?

but

when i float 

like a drive with the windows cracked 

no concern for where or when

just now

that makes me infinite?

but don't be a hero.

NO, porf. PORF. thanks.

oh no.

it's a self-destructive sabotage of the infinite 

feigned feelings and so

hungry to be starving that

it kills to be brimming

with too much nonsense and

you don't make sense

because yer not being honest

red handed

18 year old anxiety 

get the fuck out of my dreams

pigs.

noups soups and troupes

heartburn 

at

sixteen!

let's live lightly and love deeply

but not too deeply... just enough to fool and fuck

and still be friends - - 

they burped after sharing soup

then talked over ice chips

and complained about chest pains

and heart pains

and window panes

that weren't properly placed in order to allow natural light to pass through the common room

because

false florescent doesn't bring out the hope in his eyes

or the truth in her smile

or anything real for that matter

it just triggers

heartburn.

bubbles in the leather

he used a cheese cloth

to

s p r e a d 

ink

and

s p e a k 

words

in art FoRm.

i used a pocket knife

to

s l i c e 

cheese

and 

s p r e a d 

it

in food ART.

not to eat

because cheese cloths and pocket knifes

are

for

sissies.

nmuaw

you know you need a muse

when

the fall foliage begins to brown and resemble

used bathroom paper towels, 

crumbled and tossed in the general direction of the garbage can

and

wilting flowers surround the mailbox with the faulty door

that wont shut... it

just falls lamely open for imminent decisions that hold too much weight

or

cold rain makes vomiting seem desirable or a cigarette too tempting

like

walking barefoot on lukewarm asphalt, cold extremities, warm heart?

what is this temperature clash, this bodily rejection

this

feels like limbo for lunatics

i'm 

just

waiting for winter.

please snow.

to soon

i was right!

life is a whole bunch of falling

but 

5 minutes of fame

5 minutes to fuck

5 minutes to feel

5 minutes til friday

5 minutes to fix everything that went wrong 5 minutes ago.

it takes time to think

about 

things that 

make us 

happy.

but not even 5 minutes to realize

we feel 

like

shit.

pain, yo

i just fucking realized

how bad it hurts to be honest

like accidentally scraping off a scab

that you've been trying so hard not to let fall off

and then

instead of revealing a light pink healing patch of skin

it starts to bleeeed all over again.

reopened wounds hurt more than opening them for the first time.

also,

truth hurts when you wait 

a 

long

ass

time

before being honest.

so here it is

bare and beautiful

this died in me

a very

long

time ago.

sorry i didn't tell you sooner.

flatulence in bed

thumb tack the size of a dime still sticks to my wall

a bright blue blob

and every time i look at it i think of scraping it off

but not long enough to actually do it--

i'm sure i could find some poems in this room

on that bookshelf in between gossip girl and of mice and men

or on that nightstand near the tissue box and behind the snow globe...

i can find a line on that shelf next to the picture frame

that holds old friends hostage-

suspended in a moment of false friendship-

but was it false then?

i found a verb under my blue carpet

and a noun stuffed into my old pink pumas in the closet

and an adjective drowning in my sock drawer

but the pronoun stuck to the tack on the wall

oh, i guess that's why i never scraped it off.

"you're in it right now"

what is it about being in it

that makes us want to be-

in it?

being in it is a feeling

not a status

it is a frame of mind

not an experience

it can be a desire, a necessity, a goal

but it is fleeting, evanescent, temporary

and nothing equals the satisfaction of knowing it is possible

to return.

the stars say yes

you are not currently following anyone

so set out to say something

and actually say it out loud

after thinking it

and feel it twice, before and after

and free yourself.

it's all about finding your people

chunky cable-knit sweaters are scary

big, fat stitches of restrictive fabric

weighing on you like last nights lo mein

sleep it off,

wake up in a thin striped cotton tee

with moth holes at the collar and frayed sleeves, 

seams broken, but doesn't seem broken.

comfort over fashion

but fashionably comfortable

'look at her, isn't she adorable'

finally able to adore herself

a split second

with her people

and then it's gone.

together

fall to the ground

leaves and people

rustling in the grass on crisp colorful pillows

pumpkins heavy sitting on cornfields and scarecrows

straw, hay, chapped lips and static

pie crust, the steam from hot apple sider

thawing the ends of noses

eyes tear, blink 

but don't cry

because tomorrow the first snowflake falls

and fall falls to the ground 

with flakes and frost

a new feeling.

resonate in rivers

use things

use people

as distractions

use places

as escapes

from anything we don't feel like feeling like doing

do not use the verb do

do not use the noun things

specificity connects person to person

let's see if this is understandable 

song sings through wires into ear

that says

i change today

just from sounds that resonate

pen to the thin lines

spew life

scribble love

say anything

remember me?

videos capture a life lived

and playing ended lives

should spark-

it's weird.

strange and peculiar is also curious

when just taking what you remember

and what you see

and how you feel

merging into an eclectic combination of

see?

make a magnetic memo somewhere like montana

the magnetic memo

on the refrigerator

reads smooth as glass

it says

control is a feeling that is part of a mood

and when feelings change as moods do, control is compromised

what happens when you

relinquish control and close your eyes?

write without lines on the paper

dance without expectations for grace

walk without shoes on your feet

and love without the fear of losing self.

these were magnetic memos on the fridge at the kelly writers house

mine:

where secret was brilliant 

like a winter cup of coffee & talk   slowed

theirs:

were thine raw like a question

inspire is road

frantic spark after his naked cry

open season

they forget morning aches pounding

pull the live stream chanting 

perfume moon water 

the recall ache

they say it all the time, you know

it's time to start doing things for yourself

self, self, selfish,

be selfish.

i need to be more selfish.

self, self, selfless,

be selfless.

i need to be more selfless.

dear self,

did it rain? 

love, self.

love self.

love yourself.

it's all you really have

to yourself.

uno.

there is still just one

follower

one moon

a single second of heat

the moment it changes

that happens just once

i still have one

feeling 

one intimation

a single doubt of consequence

the moment with tomorrow

that will happen just once

and still just one

day

one time

a single space of happening

the moment that moves

only once.

high fructose corn syrup

sugar stars

and a dark chocolate sky

with a coconut moon

oh what a sweet night

cigarettes and chocolate milk

caramel and cobblestone

strawberry fields

syrup in the streets

lying in glazed grass

eyes glazed over

staring into madness.

play in a box on the ground

to have no fear of

walking barefoot on asphalt 

heels in hand

bag over shoulder

shades over bright eyes that

glisten with the water at the edge of the pier

stepping on small stones

remembering milestones 

recall collecting round stones 

to fill dress pockets with to weigh down my side of the see-saw

at Tallman park

those swings seemed smaller then

when

i was smaller, too.

i still have small feet

big dreams

bright eyes

and the swings still carry me into the air 

just as high as before but this time i understand why it feels so right

to fly

because we do it all the time.

i think this conversation would be appropriate

' she ain't no fuckin' e.e. cummings. '

' oh? '

' no. '

' oh. '

' yeah. '

we have become accountable at our assigned positions

you want to know why

winter is so damn magical

well

think of

the smell of  c  r  i  s  p

brisk cold air through nostrils

s  e  e    your breath in clouds in front of your nose

so cold you cant feel the tips of your toes

taste the smell of     swissmiss     hot chocolate powder 

and 

really look at a snowflake on your sleeve

i promise you

it looks perfect

because there is no other one quite like it.

it is you

oh, it is you.

just making sure.

words slip off the back of a farm truck like loose strands of hay 

sss through the stack, little rocks make the ride rickety 

but they hold on

and loose strands of hair slip down into her face

and he reaches out with one hand to brush, his fingers like bristles,

the strands out of her eyes when graze eyelashes to hand

butterfly broke the silence

flutter so loud, eyes flutter so loud, hearts flutter so loud

and leaves fall softly to the ground.

i have a follower

i have a follower

her name is cherub

or maybe it was turnip

i cant remember.

she walked in my shadows

and lurked in my dreams

but never creeped me out.

until one day i saw her

pocketing my pencils

packing up my pens

and stealing all my paper.

that's when i realized

oh shit, she can really have it all

because she has time

this doesn't take time

we no longer have time

half the time we're wasting time

and half the time we're spending time

never saving time.

tap tap tap, no time to waste,

turnip or cherub, you can lead now.

look what i found

sometimes you have really inappropriate thoughts about pickles

no, not inappropriate... peculiar

peculiar cucumber

cheese and triscuits

mozzarella string cheese

fasten your seatbelt 

i'm about to dream a car crash

blink twice and then keep talking to make sure you're still alive

no matter what you do

do not

let

anything

touch your heart.

the best in the world

sometimes it doesn't feel like family

it's an old sticker book

they've been stuck for so long that they will not come off the waxy paper

just keep looking at the fuzzy ones, the smushy ones, the plain ones, 

the traded ones.

but they're not going anywhere

well, neither is family -

choose A or B

true or false

once you scrape that sticker off it'll no longer have adhesive

reattachment is not an option.

see suns

its a heat that hangs idly

and moments when hearts beat hotly

time slows in the summer

trees stop holding hands with crisp leaves

after foliage arts the highways

colors and apples drop from skies and the air is fresh in fall

cotton balls blanket the streets

and fluffed white pillows and silk sheets

the earth sleeps under winter

birds sing sounds of morning

the first warm day holds the heart in its hands

and flowers peek toward the peak of spring

is there still life in still-life?

she bent her knees and leaned forward, 

scrutinizing his waistline like a seamstress to the fabric on a mannequin.

she clenched his hips in her hands and jerked his waist, 

abruptly, an inch or so to the left and stopped. 

his arms limply followed, first extending out like an opened umbrella,

his torso the handle, 

arms twisting right, then left, while falling closed in one swift motion at his sides.

she nestled her head under his chin

and pressed her cheek into his chest

and crossed his arms over her back

where his hands landed loosely on her hips, graspless.

she waited, standing still, still felt nothing

nothing but an imminent heart beat and before body heat

so she let him let go 

ambi-dex-trous

[-teacher teaches-, student learns]

[student teaches, -teacher learns-]

anyone can do it, right?

-anyone can do it right.

and anyone can do it: write?

-yes, anyone can do it: write.

but only i can write with left, right?

-no.

well only i can write with right and left, right?

-no.

so then i left.

thanks to the trail markers

i can see where i am headed

and it looks like promise, but not like the promise land

and it looks real, but not like the real world

but it feels grand, maybe like the grand canyon, 

or playing grand theft auto, 

or a grand piano - - -

and i want to hike hills and press buttons and stroke keys

to let everyone know that i knew where i was going and i went there,

and look, isn't it grand, isn't it real, isn't it promising? 

look at all the people who followed.

i saw it all on the see saw

i wonder if it would work

if i sat on one side

and you sat on the other,

and although our bodies wouldn't balance right

i am almost sure that

what i harbor in my head

those mistakes, memories, thoughts and things

would compensate for the ample 

physical existence you have over me--

regret is heavy on the conscience,

lost love is heavy on the heart,

and presence weighs more than pounds.

in fact

i believe

i would be the paradox

little girl,

big boy,

and you are the one in the air while i am rightly grounded.

the number game

is it getting better?

because i get about 50 on the highway

and every night you sleep

but aspirations never sleep.

so drive, get back in the global game

it's incredible in and of itself

even if it certainly doesn't feel that way.

to take numbers

t0 s4y th1ng5 1n w0rd5 th4t c0u1d n0rm411y b3 3xpr3553d

take the multiplicative inverse of now

square it, get it out from under the radical

and be, be radical. see it from a different angle.

it's all an algebraic/geometric/personal proof

that doesn't need to be proven

to anyone

but

you.

dreamland

but he was angry and it was scary so i left that room and went across the hall to the other room

and i found uncle stu

and we got really high together

and he suggested we get in the elevator

so we did. 

and as soon as he pressed the button the elevator became a glass elevator in the middle of the bottom of the Palisades Sill where we were surrounded by rocks and mountains and nature on all four sides

and it started going up and up and up and up SOOO HIGH

and then it finally stopped and bumped up and then settled.. as if it got to a floor.. then we looked at eachother, like hahah that was fun and were really high, and then it started to go down faster and faster and i started to get scared so i said 

"is this gonna kill us?"

at first he said "no," with confidence.. but then he stopped himself and thought for a while and realized it would

so he looked at me right in the eyes and said,

"im sorry.. i didnt realize.. im really, really sorry."

and i think, I SHOULD PANIC, but then i stayed REALLY calm, really really calm.. 

like 'okay, we are going to die, i want to think of nothing, clear my mind, meditate,' 

and i am the calmest ive ever felt, ready to face my death, and then the elevator finally hits the ground, the glass shatters and we walk out and away.

e.g. scooters, vacation, fall

she uncapped the poland spring and sipped at the lip of her eco-shape bottle, 30% less plastic, and she stared blankly at the unappetizing freezer-burned baby carrots, cut and peeled and ready to eat! 

her eyes glazed over as the cold escaped the open crisper drawer. 

she kicked it shut and lay down on the kitchen floor, still staring at the fridge's contents.

the cold linoleum tile felt nice against her cheek

her heavy eyelids fluttered then fell shut

with the door. 

she dreamed she stood in front of a giant refrigerator, both doors wide open 

and she wanted celery and carrots.

but all it had was beets.

laces leaves sleep sleeves

when i said i could breathe underwater

i was serious.

my masseuse told me i have swimmers shoulders,

but it took me 6 years to pass my deep water test

because i can breathe underwater

and no one believed me.

but i was serious when i said it

or maybe i dreamed it

but it's becoming awfully difficult to distinguish a difference between dreams and reality

because i wake up and remember exactly how i felt, the same way i remember how it felt

to breathe underwater that time...

so i say 'you were in my dream last night'

i swear my senses are honest

i felt your touch, heard your voice, saw your face

and it never felt so real until it happened in my dream

and when i said it i was serious.

most effective machines

that valley up north

could be a machine

pumping out doers, not thinkers

see-ers not feelers

sentimental overflow: friday through sunday

dehumanization: monday through thursday

move by the bells

tick with the clock

study by the book

scatter marks on square bubbles

rules and rulers, marks and markers

wait until friday to feel something

because emotions are distractions

and human beings don't test well - robots do.

glass walls

seal them shut and let go

of that pencil

loosen your grip, you hold on too tight

-onto people's words when they let slip

when you get it

it'll just look realer.

yeah, realer.

such a small mark makes all the difference

from a picture to a person

if people could be controlled by pencils and pens

i'd mark you up so good

but i wouldn't touch your eyes.

smart fangs

the new trend

is getting yer wisdom teeth removed.

all the cool kids are doing it.

yep, yank those suckers out if you want to feel cool.

or a whole bunch of mouth ache.

how layers clear the air

wanna go? let's go.

where?

bonkers.

why?

because we can.

and then where?

to the moon.

why?

because they say we can't.

do you think we can?

i know we can.

how?

jump.

how high?

just do it.

how high?

just trust me.

trust you?

trust yourself.

pitter. patter. teeth. chatter.

its a cold soothing wet

individual droplets sheeting down from clusters of the same

falling upon anything and everything

so indiscriminating

so encompassing

smells of rain

trickling down treetops and rooftops

i sit outside and soak myself in smells of rain 

and the tears that are mine mix with the sky's

in an indistinguishable river that blows with windy gusts and heaving sobs

uncontrollable weather and uncontrollable feelings 

combine to create the storm within and without hesitation

the unstoppable torrential downpour and the unforgivable emotional outpour

dual in a stormy competition for attention

hear me because 

it rains on you, too.

what is it?

so this is what it feels like to _________

a jittery calm

a flutter in the fingers

a desire to listen, learn, read and write, to watch the news, to converse with adults, to network and research, to expand and express

a choking inner voice, deafening, exhilarating

impulsive conversation

human gestures

sexual desires

resisting 

sharing, sharing, sharing the same sentiments

it's all so real

too real

this is it... what?

this is what it feels like

to grow up.

recipe for hunger

when you crave something

clench a pen between yer teeth

chew but don't swallow

spit words with ink

taste textures and tones with tongue and teeth

enhance with stylistic spices; dash of repetition, pinch of alliteration

frost with a glaze of appealing punctuation;/.,-:*&[--]?!

bake, let cool, taste.

share with a friend

eat and digest

your words.

it's a manbearpig world out there

eternally pissed off

fire famines floods thirst vengeance

clear water tried to kill us

now, you watch this video

leaves choked as bad as models

i call these days mondays

it all changes but, you realize..?

everywhere will become the ways of accident

they will corrupt

so,

i'm gonna turn it around, of course.

sell a fish

people are selfish

because all we really know we have is ourselves.

the world revolves around me - people and places are perceptions

becoming selfless is a choice.

the decision to be a part of someone else. someone else's process.

'there's a little bit of you in me, a little bit of me in you'

and it's easy to say i'd go further for family than i would a stranger

but random acts of kindness surpass relative ties

when all we have is each other we realize each other is all we need.

what is up there

and we have a thing for things like running and skiing and swimming and swings

i think it's because they bring us as close as we can get to flying

and we want to run faster, push harder, jump bigger, swing higher

but we're always grounded

in thought- to each other- to home-to mother

nature brings us back, gravity grounds us

but in the process we have those moments when we realize "this is what it feels like..."

this is what it feels like to ________ and we make our own blanks.