lets delve into dream land, land land land land everything is land language land ghost land grassland — last night I had a dream about lipids and love - lost friends and toasters- lonely highways and northern valley - lets reflect - sammy weiss its SAMMYFEST your birthday like a national holiday here is your party lets have the campfriends over - spaghetti dave stars in my dreams lately, why I don't even enjoy your wavelength all too much you're a sweetheart somewhere - so ive known you for seven years but you don't seem familiar we shared memories and I forgot them all - and so we talk like strangers and I need to escape the uncomfortable situation just because I smell baked goods and I make my way into the party room it’s GUND but it’s not GUND you know how that works in dreamland and there are talbes of pastries and I choose wisely placing pasteles en mi plato and my mothers eyes are watching - I don't neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to eat this I don't neeeeeeeeeeed to touch that - you don't neeeeeeeeed to tell me but I secretly want you to because its what im thinking inside ---so I stuff a cream puff between my teeth and swallow it with pride YEAH I KNOW THAT'S IN MY THIGH but that's where it belongs for now — so I return with a platter of calories just to piss myself off and then I hear a voice in my head telling me ROMANCE IS THE ANSWER there ARE people who make you feel beautiful all the time and theyre the ones you want to marry? No, not marry, just BE around a little more than usual, to connect like legos snap snap ahh its creation, love ladders and sex towers and colorful columns of relationships- no I don't want a realationship that is what I tell myself constantly frolicking in a field of signles THAT'S MY CHOICE will I ever get married? I cant decide what to eat for breakfast I cant decide which notebook to write in first I cant decide black or brown I cant decide to make my bed or close my closet firrsttt but I CAN decide I want my choices- I am selfish, so selfish to share myself with everyone — how am I being selfish? I wont let you have all of me because I want to know him, him, her, and them NOT JUST YOU and not because you are you but because I AM ME— so those people exist and I think I found one here—I could be lying to myself but even so what does it matter? Julia said its WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER ANYONE and what I have to offer is my honesty my feelings a little part of my heart that I can afford to give away? Can I a f f o r d it is the question we don't think we can get what we cant afford, but I believe i will heal scabbing over and scarring still there as a reminder that I shared myself with you and you took it truly—so I want to connect with someone and dreamland is where its at — here I am with this boy, nooo not with him, I get a textual message that says it all — rikki you always go out of your way to find the bad boys the ones who don't treat you right the ones who don't listen hard enough or dig deep enough or touch tenderly enough or talk softly enough or say what they really mean and you think theyre from Vermont or short hills or NEW YORK CITY but really I am here from Memphis Tennessee you've never even said those two words together but we should be—so I tell him to come- with a toaster- and this time he does- this time he shows up with what I ask and with what I didn't expect- an open heart and a still warm toaster and together we run in the rain and wash the burnt bread particles out of the crevasses and we press into each other locking eyes so close that our eyelashes slip into each other in the way bristles interlay filling the gaps that are meant for others, and our eyes open WIDE and our hearts open WIDE and our legs open WIDE and we are one single body with two separate heart beats that mirror each other in a melody that screams CONNECTION, it sounds like love, it feels like love, can this be love? If not, what is? and if so how can I make it last as long as forever? and then I remember the memories- the memories make me save myself- I can close my eyes and feel the press as our hip bones attract like the middle magnets in our bodies- our lips just barely touch and we give each other breath—out of me into you, out of you into me- one single being two separate minds one single moment two separate memories- it feels like honesty…
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